Failure, oh failure. It's what I fear most; yet, it's what I, at times, need most.
To fail is to learn. I perceive failure as a symbol of growth. To immerse myself in the experience of heartbreak; anger; emptiness; and grief, as a result of failure, brings me inward. Failure allows me to reflect. Mainly about my goals, but also my intentions.
I admit that recently I have failed. Not in any drastic way, but I learned that nannying is no longer my thing. As a matter of fact, it has not been my thing for a year. I knew that. I have known that since I was left houseless, carless, and phone-less in California by my last employer. Deep, deep down I have known that my time working as a live-in nanny has reached it's course, but this past July I convinced myself to try again. At a time, this job led me to my favorite places, to my favorite people, to new love, and it led me all around the world. But, most importantly, nannying led me to myself. I loved who I became as a nanny. I adored the patience I endured, motherly skills I gained, and empathy I used to lack.
I began nannying again July of 2022 because I convinced myself that I needed to find myself again; but, the truth is, I was setting myself up for failure. I am no longer the lost, depressed, heart-broken eighteen year old girl who I once was, but in July I felt stagnant. It's not uncommon for me to feel this way when I return home for too long. So, in a way, I set myself up for failure every single time I return home for a long period of time. It's a constant cycle. But, back to my point - I felt discomfort with the stagnancy and resorted to the one thing that helped my lost self all those years ago. Nannying. Although my heart was telling me NO, my head was in survival mode. I just needed to move back to California and try nannying again to reach that level of happiness again. The only happiness I have ever truly known.
When I write that my heart said NO, I mean it. I was anxious. My gut was not pleased. For the first time, I messaged the family and said I was nervous. I changed my flight to a later date because I was not ready. When my flight left the runway that Friday morning, I still was not ready. Not even close. Not once in my life have I ever experienced a gut-wrenching feeling like that before. I failed myself by going, despite my body telling me no.
I do not regret moving to San Francisco and participating in a live-in nanny trial run. Although I feel as if I failed myself by going against my intuition, I learned new aspects of myself. I was forced to reflect and reconsider everything. I spoke up for myself. I tried to right my wrongs from my last nanny experience to create a better outcome (unfortunately did not work, but people's reactions and pettiness are only a reflection of them, not me!)
I have redefined failure as redirection.
Because of this experience failing, I have been redirected to a (much needed) change of pace in a new location! I will now be pursuing photography, sewing/up-cycling, and writing full-time. I will be saying goodbye to California and moving to Tennessee. Big things are awaiting me there, I just know it. My heart knows it. My gut feels it.